Insecurity
by bregadaneth
Summary: Erestor and Glorfindel of Gondolin have always loved each other. But, each of them feeling unworthy of the other, they never acted on it. before the fall of Gondolin and after SLASH Erestor/Glorfindel


He had never told Glorfindel. Never. The thought had not even crossed his mind.

Glorfindel of the Golden Flower was the chief of his house, a well renowned warrior. His strength and bravery was told of even in cities far away from Gondolin. Compared to that, who was he? He, Erestor of the Fountain, the youngest brother of Ecthelion, a famed warrior and the golden ones best friend. He was but a counselor, one of the less important ones at that. Why would Glorfindel ever look at him? There was no reason to.

He was shy were the other was open-minded and easy-going. He was dark were the other was light. Instead of training or socializing, Erestor chose to stay buried within his books. People called him cold-hearted and stern, yet he simply did not know how to approach the other elves and usually he did not want to. Glorfindel however had changed that.

It was three years ago now, that he first paid attention to his brother´s loud and overly cheerful friend.

It had been in the gardens of Turgons palace, were he had found the warrior standing alone, with a kind smile on his face, looking at a blue flower in his hand. The color of his eyes. Erestor had not understood why he noticed the color of all things, however he could not think about anything else for a long time. He began watching Glorfindel more intently. He noticed more and more things about him, little details that would have been completely irrelevant had it been anyone else. What struck Erestor the most, was Glorfindels smile. Looking closer he realized that the warrior sincerely smiled only on very few occasions. All that cheerfulness looked rather forced and often became a pained grimace when Glorfindel thought that no one was watching him. That smile in the gardens had been the only real smile that Erestor had ever seen from the warrior.

The smile he had fallen in love with.

* * *

No he just could not tell him. Impossible. There was just no way Erestor would return his feelings. Beautiful, intelligent Erestor. How could he be worthy of that? He, a mere warrior? He did not have the brains to be of any interest to his best friend´s little brother.

Apart from that as the lord of his house, Glorfindel was expected to wed an elleth of high social standing and sire some sons and daughters. How would the people of Gondolin react if they found out that their golden lord was interested in his own sex? Surely they would scorn him. And even worse: They would scorn Erestor. He deserved better than that! Glorfindel did not care if people hated him, but what he wanted the most was for Erestor to be happy. Nothing else mattered.

Glorfindel was not a happy person. He had never expected to be 'the' lord of the Golden Flower, and he hated it with passion. He also missed his older brother dearly. Ever since his death Glorfindel had been forced to hold long speeches, be responsible for everyone in his house, which meant that everyone came to him with their problems no matter how small and worst of all, he had to maintain an image as a lady killer.

Every time he saw an elleth walking up to him with a flirtatious smile on her lips, Glorfindel inwardly cringed. He just was not interested in the fairer sex! He loved Erestor! Like this the counselor would think that Glorfindel preferred ellyth and all hope of Erestor returning Glorfindels affection would be lost.

It had been fifteen years ago that he had noticed Erestor.

Glorfindel had been visiting Ecthelion, his best friend and Erestors older brother. At the entrance he had nearly crashed into someone who also wished to enter. Glorfindel had apologized, slightly baffled, while the other simply ran past him, long black hair flowing behind him. It was the day Erestor had been promoted counselor. Glorfindel would never forget those huge golden brown eyes, glittering with excitement and that beautiful blush on Erestors cheeks.

He just knew he was in love. There was nothing else he could think about and nothing else that made him smile from the bottom of his heart.

* * *

Gondolin was burning. Orcs and balrogs and dragons were everywhere. Ecthelion was dead, as were many others. Yet there was no time to mourn. The survivors were fleeing on Idril´s secret path and even though he barely knew how to defend himself, Erestor found himself with his brother´s sword in his hands, ready to die defending the ellyth and elflings.

That was when it happened. A red light appeared behind them, at the entrance to the path. The sounds of battle grew closer. And there it was. A balrog. With most of the warriors still within the burning city there was no hope of anyone surviving this.

Simply hoping to delay the flaming demon for even a second longer, so a few at least could flee, Erestor stepped forward, sword pointed at the beast. The balrog raised his whip and brought it down with deadly precision.

It hit someone else. Someone that made Erestor wish he had been hit a hundred times over. Glorfindel had jumped between the demon and the elf. The fiery whip had burned away half the warriors face, a lot of his hair, and great parts of his right arm and shoulder. Yet the lord of the Golden Flower still stood tall, his left hand never letting go of his weapon. With his sword he deflected the next blow and attempted to drive the balrog towards the steep cliff. The whip hit him again, this time on his left leg, leaving Glorfindel barely able to stand. But stand he did. And with strength that would be told of in countless songs and tales, he threw the balrog down from the mountain and in the far off valley below. In the last moment before his fall the demon reached out and grabbed Glorfindel´s remaining hair and dragged him down with him.

* * *

The next day, Thorondor had carried Glorfindel to the survivors of Gondolin. The golden lord had been reduced to but a charred body, barely recognizable as an elf. Nothing was left of that golden hair and beautiful blue eyes.

Seeing the dead body of the elf he loved had broken Erestors heart into a thousand little pieces. Yet he dot feel anything. Not anymore. For his soul had died with Glorfindel of the Golden Flower.

* * *

Many years had passed. Eärendil had left the shores of Middle Earth, his son Elros had chosen mortality and his twin Elrond was the lord of Imladris, the last homely house and a haven for all free folk. The first and second age had passed, the one ring had been forged and lost and the three elven rings were at the peak of their power.

Erestor was now the chief counselor of Imladris and lord Elrond´s right hand and advisor. He did not seek the company of others. Many called him coldhearted and unapproachable, for he never smiled. Not even the smallest faked grin passed his lips and all he said was related to his work. He refused to talk otherwise. He held speeches at the beginning of feasts, if it was required of him to do so, and left right after. He never stayed a second longer than he had to. Even Elrond, who was closest to being Erestor´s friend could never get him to share a drink with him, or indeed, make any trivial conversation at all.

Celebrian, Elronds wife, tried and tried to engage the ellon in conversation, but she had to notice what many had before her. Erestor was dead. No light shone in his eyes, no spark was to be felt about him. He was but a moving body, his soul long gone. It was as if he was fading, yet Erestor just did not die or look any more sick than he usually did. It was very strange indeed.

Once a year, on the day the elves celebrated the gates of summer, Erestor would lock himself up all day until the evening hours and then he would stand in the hall were the fall of Gondolin was recorded in pictures and stare at the one were Glorfindel of the Golden Flower was fighting the balrog. Yet even then, no emotion moved his face.

Every elf in Imladris and beyond knew, that Erestor the stone faced councilor had lived in Gondolin and survived its fall.

* * *

It was the year Celebrian became pregnant for the first time when the message arrived. It came from Cirdan, the lord of Mithlond, the grey havens. An elf had been spared, had been released from the halls and had been sent back to Middle Earth with the quest of protecting Elrond Peredhel. The letter did not say who that ellon was, only that he would come to Imladris to fulfill an oath he had made to Turgon, Elronds great grandfather and the king of Gondolin.

After the message was received, there was a weird change about Erestor. He seemed to be more alive and at the same time less. For the first time ever, he was unable to work, eat or sleep. He paced frantically in his room, muttering to himself. No one could understand what he was saying though, for even Elrond was not that fluent at Quenya anymore. Finally the lord saw himself inclined to forcefeed a sleeping draught to his advisor, before Erestor killed himself.

That was why Erestor actually managed to calm down and look presentable, like the chief counselor should, at the day the strange elf was supposed to arrive.

* * *

A collective gasp ran through the crowd that had gathered to greet the elf. There was only one, in all the history of arda, whose hair was that golden. Balrog slayer! Was the wispher that could be heard everywhere and it was also carried to Erestor.

No. Impossible! It could not be! Not Glorfindel! No, no, no. There was no reason to get his hopes up. Maybe it was Ecthelion. It would be great to see his brother again!

"Greetings, my Lord Elrond." A only too familiar voice said. "I am Glorfindel and I used to be the lord of the Golden Flower. But even though that house no longer stands, and the walls of Gondolin have fallen to ruin, I have come to fulfill the oath I swore to king Turgon. I shall guard you with my life."

The voice sounded strange to Erestors ears, for Glorfindel was speaking Sindarin with a heavy accent. Of course, Glorfindel had spoken Quenya for all his life! The warrior looked as if time had been turned back. Erestor felt his heart and soul come back to life and at the same time, shatter. Why would Glorfindel be interested in him? He probably would not even remember his name…

Glorfindel dismounted and walked towards his lord, all the way wondering why he had even bothered to memorize that little speech, people had been way to busy staring at him instead of listening to what he said! Suddenly one of the gathered elves moved aside a bit and revealed one who had been half hidden before. A raven haired, unbelievably beautiful ellon.

"Erestor!" He shouted in surprise.

Everyone else was surprised too. The Glorfindel of Gondolin knew Mr stoneface Erestor? But then again…they did know the counselor was originally from Gondolin himself…

Erestor could only stare at Glorfindel for a few moments. He had remembered him! He knew his name! Than he mustered every last bit of his self-control to answer as coldly as possible.

"Lord Glorfindel. Quite the surprise, I must say. It has been a while."

"I am no lord. The house of the Golden Flower has fallen long ago. So please, do not call me that. It is such a pleasure to see you again! I had thought for sure that you would have left these shores already! I am also immensely relieved to see that my sacrifice was not for naught and you have survived."

"Most of the ones that had made it to the path have survived." Erestor was silently panicking. Glorfindel had made it sound like he had given his life for Erestor only! But that was impossible! No, no. the warrior had simply taken the fact that Erestor was alive as prove that all the others had made it as well.

Soon the crowd dispersed and Glorfindel was introduced to his new duty as the captain of the guard.

* * *

When they were alone in the lord´s study, Glorfindel immediately bombarded Elrond with questions. Questions that stunned Elrond more than it would have had if Glorfindel had turned out to be a dwarf.

"How long has Erestor been here? He does not look very happy to see me, does he? Is he ill? Is he bound? Does he have a lover? Has Erestor ever shown any interest in anyone? Do you happen to know his favorite flower? But what if he is bound, is he bound? Do you think he likes me?"

"Erestor? No, he is not bound or anything like that. I believe he stayed to serve my family right after the fall of Gondolin, so in a way he has been here longer than me and I do not remember him showing interest in anything at all. Everyone here believes he has a heart of ice, because he does not even want to make acquaintance with anyone."

"What? Heart of ice? Not the Erestor I know! The little brother of Ecthelion always looked very content with his books or his friends, which admittedly were indeed few, but there were many who would have liked to know him better. Me included, actually. But why would he even spare a thought for a mere warrior like me?" The last part had been said with a very quiet voice.

Elrond was at a loss for words. In the last five minutes he had learnt more about his advisor than in the long years he had known him! But what surprised him the most was that the famous balrog slayer appeared to be most deeply in love with Erestor and thought himself to be unworthy of him!

"Wait a moment! Did you just say that Erestor, my advisor and right hand elf, is the younger brother of Ecthelion of the Fountain?"

"Did you not know? Ecthelion was always really proud of Erestor. When he was made a counselor for Turgon for example. I will never forget that day! Erestors eyes shone like the stars and he was so restless because of his youthful excitement!"

"I would have liked to have known that Erestor. But it saddens me greatly to have to inform you that Erestor is fading."

"WHAT?"

"He has been so since before I knew him. I have heard rumors that he has been constantly fading since the fall of Gondolin. Something must have happened there, yet no one knows what. He refuses to talk to anyone about matters not related to his work. It is a great mystery as well why he does not fade completely, but seems to cling to life with only his body, since his fea appears to have departed long ago."

"His fea looked alive to me when I looked into his eyes? Maybe I can get him to talk again. I used to know him after all. Well, I will at least try. I should have tried long ago…I deeply regret not taking action back in Gondolin, when I was too afraid of him rejecting me. But that has to change! I will try and try and try again!"

With that Glorfindel left the study for his chambers, which had been shown to him beforehand.

* * *

The next day Elrond could not believe the elf before him was the same elf he had worked with since forever. Erestors eyes were alive! He even wished him a good morning! That had never happened be!fore His face, even though still grim and cold, was no longer as stiff as it used to be. And all signs of fading had disappeared.

"Erestor!" The door to the study was crashed open and Glorfindel came barging in. Elrond was worried that something had happened, but quickly learned otherwise. His advisor merely looked up from what he had been writing.

"What is it, captain?"

"Don´t call me that! We have known each other for so long we should be on friendlier terms!"

Glorfindel pretended to sulk. Erestor sighed.

"Fine. What do you want Glorfindel?"

"Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

"I will not answer that." Erestor panicked. How? Why? He probably needed someone to discuss Gondolin with. Yes, that was it. Still. He should not let the warrior to close. It would be so very embarrassing should he find out! Also, to hear the rejection aloud, would destroy what was left of his heart.

"Why not? Please! I know no one here!"

"Then meet them and get to know them."

"But I want to get to know you."

"Leave. I have work to do."

"But"

"Get out."

With his head bowed sadly glorfindel left. Elrond was amazed. Erestor had actually talked about matters that did not concern work! And also…was he just blushing? The lord of Imladris smiled to himself. He understood very well what was the matter with his counselor.

* * *

There was a feast in Imladris that day. Glorfindel entered the hall and looked around. Erestor stood there, obviously going over the speech he was going to hold in a few minutes. Glorfindel smiled and walked towards him. He was so close to get him to accept his invitation for dinner! He knew he would just have to ask a few more times!

"My lord Glorfindel! May I have your first dance this evening? I know it is early to ask but I want to be sure you will dance with me tonight." The elleth was batting her eyelashes at him in a seductive way. Erestor was listening intently from a few a few paces away. The way he knew the warrior, he would dance and flirt with every elleth in the room.

"I am sorry, my lady. However I have no interest in the fair sex." Erestors heart stopped. Impossible! Surely that was a jest!

"Oh? But rumor says you are a real lady killer?"

"I had to be. As a lord of Gondolin it was required of me to maintain a certain image. Now, however I am no longer a lord. I am free to live as I want."

"It is a real shame! Who knows, maybe you would have gotten far more than just a dance?" The elleth was still trying to flirt.

"I am sorry. Ah! Erestor! Is your first dance reserved yet?" Everyone in hearing range turned towards him and stared as if he had lost his mind. Glorfindel ignored them.

"I do not dance. Also, I would appreciate it if you did not use me as an elleth repellant."

"I am serious. Dance with me."

Erestor simply walked away. He hated the way Glorfindel played with his heart!

* * *

The dancing had started and Glorfindel was still trying to convince Erestor. The advisor was very annoyed.

"Will you stop jesting already! Go! Find yourself an elleth to dance with and leave me alone!" He hissed, before walking away. There were tears in his eyes. It hurt so much! It hurt to know that Glorfindel was only jesting, it hurt to know that Glorfindel would never look at him the way he desired him to.

He stopped on a balcony that overlooked the valley. There, for the first time since the fall of Gondolin, he let go of his emotions and broke down, crying. He did not notice the soft footsteps of the one that had followed him.

Glorfindel stopped dead when he saw Erestor sobbing uncontrollably. Slowly he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around the crying elf.

Startled by the sudden appearance Erestor jerked back and tried to pull away but Glorfindel would not let him.

"Why do you weep?"

"Let go of me."

"Why do you weep?"

"I said let go of me!"

"I will not let go until you have told me why you are so sad."

"I do not wish to speak of it."

Glorfindel simply looked at Erestor, who was still trying to pry the warrior off.

"Fine! I weep because I love someone I cannot have! Someone who will never love me back! Now let go!"

He pushed Glorfindel off him. The golden warrior was silent a pained look in his eyes.

"Who?" He asked quietly. Erestor turned away, ready to leave. He would not have his heart injured any more that night.

"Who?" Glorfindel grabbed the advisor and pinned him against the wall. He was shaking from all his withheld emotions. Erestor was scared. Never had he seen the other like that! A deep fire was burning in Glorfindels eyes.

"Who?" The warrior almost screamed, shaking Erestor so forcefully, the elf was pushed painfully against the wall.

"Who?"

"You." Erestor whispered, his eyes cast down. Once more he tried to escape the warriors grip but was stopped by Glorfindels lips on his own. The world seemed to explode around him. It was forceful and urgent. It was a kiss Glorfindel had laid all his emotions in.

"I love you Erestor." Were all the words Erestor needed to kiss the elf before him once again.

Never again did either of them feel unworthy.


End file.
